This is Totally Random

[skysnolimit]

This aching melancholy will never go away.  I'm so tired and stressed that it's all I ever think about, and my family is in another world.  Compare these pictures:




[My birth city; My new city]

I must have been batshit insane to have come out here.  In fact, I am so crazy that I would do myself a favor just to be aware of it.  I mean, come on.  Don't I fall into any sort of tradition or community?  Or will I continually, forever just do things completely different from everybody else that lands me in isolation with a seemingly impossible mission again and again and again?

I miss my friends, and my family, so much.  Sometimes I feel like they're the only ones that add legitimacy to my life.  Without them bearing witness to my actions, I might as well not be here.  There's a certain kind of shame that comes with that feeling.  Firstly, why am I so dependent on others to feel legitimate; and secondly, why did I run away from those people?

It's not like I'm not running toward something, too, although the hopelessness of the task at hand drives me to tears.  Look at this picture:



That was probably one of the happiest moments of my life, and it kills me how impossible it is to bridge the gap between me, as an American with a good education and opportunities, and my friends in mud houses on the vast Tibetan plateau.  It's not that we can't relate to each other, not at all; it's that the more I try to live my life and come closer to them, the more my life gets tangled up in bureaucracy with the people who enable me to live here.  Why can't I break free and just be simple and live like them?  Why am I burdened with this obligation to make something of myself?  I am so close, yet so so so so far away from my dreams.

[skysnolimit]

A few nights ago, I don't remember when, I came "home" to my temporary living quarters in a dormitory on this new school campus when I saw one of the most horrific scenes of my life.  Everybody was in army uniform right outside the gate of the school.  There was a wall between the school guards and the commotion on the street, but their window was open so they must have heard the shouts.  Why were they so cordial and cheerful when we walked through the gate?  One man was shouting at another who was on the ground, and the shouting man and another man were kicking that man, sometimes in the face.  The other people were all lined up, in two straight lines, facing the scene and not moving.  I rode through on my bike and tried to channel my feelings on my face as I stared the shouting man down, but what can I do as a foreigner here when the army has the sanction of the state?  For all I know, this could be legal, although I could not sleep for hours and I still feel a pit in my stomach from the scene.  The helplessness of it all.  I woke my employer and told him about the goings-on, but he said that they were adults (who had come to train the students) and not students themselves (thank God), so we didn't have to do anything.  When, and where, can I ever have a voice?  It's like all my feelings fall on empty ears.

[skysnolimit]

I have a new top priority: FIND FEMALE FRIENDS in this city.  Thanks for listening, all...  It's been a very rough few years since I first came to China and decided I would move here.  Actually moving here hasn't changed that.  Chasing dreams, and chasing dreams and always I'm a dreamer who's just searching for the truth.  Is this Life?

[skysnolimit]

Aiyaaah, so basically, even though I blog for my family members and friends, I can't bring myself to complain on the blog and so I'm going to do it here.  >D  Sounds fair, doesn't it?

Living with my fiance is like the hardest thing in the world, and I started having these attacks again where my stress and emotions go through the roof and then finally I just collapse and shut it all out.  And then, of course, he tries to bully me some more, last time he actually kicked me over (I mean, it was gentle, but not at all nice!) where I was sitting on the floor.  But I just ignored him and kept lying there because I needed some privacy to think my own thoughts for once, and that was the only way I could find some privacy was by absolutely ignoring him.  Emmie (the new kitten) didn't help, with her little claws out and playing with my hair and when she scratched an eyelid I made an exception to move a little bit.  o.o

But I basically lay there, ignored everything, and just let my thoughts to themselves.  And this is what I came up with:

He can't STAND it when people are weak, probably because his father wasn't around much during his childhood and he never had anybody to lean on himself.  It doesn't matter if I actually can't walk as fast as he can, or actually don't know how to cook very well (but still try), anything I do that's substandard (even so much as rely on my parents for something!), he seems to take as a reflection of his own weakness if he lets my weakness go without a tantrum.  And by the way, trusting good family and friends to support me is not a freaking sign of weakness!  !$!@$@#!!!!!!!

Our fights always start when he starts to criticize me and ask me those leading questions to try to get me to say something wrong, and when I don't say anything wrong about myself he gets crazy and starts insulting me, but I try to be patient and eventually when his tirade burns itself out, all of my emotions come out and I start crying and crying and crying, which really makes him hate me sometimes (oh, I don't know if it's hate, but whatever...).  Since I can't stand being ignored, I never ignore him.  But now I do.  Any time he tries to ask me those leading questions, I literally just do not respond.  I do not heed him if he seems frustrated.  And now my eyes have stopped twitching.  I've stopped crying.  I seem to have a personality again.

It's like one of the most difficult lessons I've ever had to learn!  And I missed him so much when I wasn't even looking at him, not making conversation, just "noticing" him if he happened to say something that was actually nice to me!  But now he's become much more loving.  Who knew?  At first, it felt like I was ignoring a crying baby, which goes against every grain of me to do.

But now I feel like more of an adult, more in charge of my own life.  I will respond to whom I want to respond to, and when I want to.  That's kind of nice.

Thank the Lord the pain is going away.  But a lot of it is still inside, which is why I'm writing this post. 

After this experience was over, I googled it and found this wonderful wonderful webpage about how to ignore your guy in a good way.  It has a lot of womenn like me posting on it, and is heaps more helpful in finding solutions than anything I pulled up in the past with searching, "My husband is impatient" or "My husband walks too fast" kinds of things.  XD

Gosh guys, thank you for giving me an open forum to post my true feelings.  It's so rare to have an outlet, nowadays.

The post: http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/overfunctioning/ignoring-your-man/

Anybody else have similar experiences?

[hiyoko]

I guess I do. My fiancé loves his family, but when he gets mad at them it will transfer to me too. Though he apologizes and makes up for it, it still hurts. My feelings don't hurt as much now, because I know he's not mad at me, just mad in general. But whenever he's in a mood, I'll ignore him or I'll do something he loves to calm him do faster. Depending on my mood.lol

[Luv007]

That website and hearing that I'm not the only one that has been through this, nor the only one who still loves someone who reacts that way, is so INCREDIBLY helpful.  Thank you for sharing, skysnolimit.  Really.

[skysnolimit]

Hi guys.  My love to you both.  So much.  <3  Thank you.