Stepchildren

[Luv007]

I know I kind of use Town Square as a journal, but it helps to get these emotions out and feel like I'm sharing them with someone....

When I met the man that is now my husband, I was 20... immature and in the moment.  He told me he was going through a divorce, and he told me he had two young children.  In fact, I met them and their mother very early on.  But I JUST didn't grasp that these two young babies were going to be mine one day.  It just didn't sink in.

Well, the first summer as their stepmom was TERRIBLE. Imagine tearing an 18 month old and a 2 1/2 year old that have just moved away from their mommy?  But I didn't really get that then either.... I was pregnant, but I wasn't a mom yet. Not really.  To top it off, their mother is a terror to deal with, for me or my husband.  And back then, she didn't even know I existed for sanity's sake.  I was just the live in nanny that was living in my car before Joe gave me a spare bedroom... to the outsider's eye at least.  I didn't understand the kids, and they didn't understand me.  They had no schedule, and I thrived on schedule.  I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and sick most of the time.  On top of that, my hormones were insane and Joe didn't completely realize how much I was putting into raising the kids the best I could.  Dropping the kids off was sad that year... but not nearly as heart-wrenching as the next.

Jace's Development:  Jace wasn't talking at all, but could walk and run fine.  Physically, he was doing fine.  He slept through the night and napped well.
Kale'd Development:  Kale wasn't talking either, but was mastering his walk.  His eyes were severly crossed and he couldn't focus on details because of the impairment to his eyesight.
Boys Conditions:  Morgan asked us to get them tested for lead poisoning bc they were pooping green, and had green oozing from their eyes.  She was afraid they had eaten paint chips out of her apartment.  Kale woke up every night at 10PM (when mommy got off work) crying and whining.  Turns out they both had pink eye, and were being fed too much sugar free food.  I got them eating veggies and healthy stuff, and in turn, helped myself get on a healthy diet.  We medicated the pink eye and I had a minor case as well.  All was well by the end of the summer.  Kids were terrified of diaper changes and cried terribly throughout them bc of diaper rash.  They were sitting in their wet and poopy diapers more often than they should have been.  We made a game out of diaper time, pinching noses and whatnot and this also was remedied.  I gave pats on the bottom for bad behavior, but not real spankings.

So here comes the second summer, right?  After a year of not hearing or seeing the kids, they are yanked (again) from mommy and their whole lives are turned upside down.  We met in Baltimore to pick them up, and spent a week of vacation with my family.  It was TERRIBLE.  The children were MONSTERS.... and that's putting it VERY lightly.  They shrieked, and I mean SHRIEKED at the top of their lungs for no reason and EVERY time they didn't get what they wanted.  They had no vocabulary, and I can only assume it's because they were given anything they wanted the second that shriek came out of their lungs.  So Joe and I put a stop to that.  IMMEDIENTLY.  We started with covering their mouths, and counting to three.  If they didn't stop screaming by three, they got a spanking and could scream all they wanted after that.  In two weeks, the screaming had all but stopped, and by the end of the summer, they covered their own mouths or each others.  By this point, I was able to start talking to them about their feelings... anger mostly.  They both had a LOT of anger.  But they also had a LOT of love.  Things just felt RIGHT that summer... with all the kids and Joe and I.  Once the kids learned the rules, things improved drastically.  Jace was my helper.  Kale was my destroyer.  Harleybelle was just my baby.  That summer will probably be the best we will ever have.  They didn't yet understand the guilt that they feel about loving me, and betraying their mom now.  They just have so much love to give.  I would have done ANYTHING to keep them with us that summer, but the law dictated that they return to their mother.  (Who P.S. was still under the illusion that Joe was going to come home and return to her, leaving Harley and I in the dust-- Not so.)  When Jace saw his mother that summer... He cried.  He was crushed bc he knew it meant that he was leaving daddy and I.  And me?  As I watched him tearing at the car window, reaching for us, screaming.... A big part of me died.  I had nightmared for weeks.  I still do, honestly.  I'll never forget those moments.  I let them go back to a woman who didn't and wasn't giving them the care they needed and deserved.  I failed them.  I didn't protect them.  And that was my job.  Honestly, had it not been for Harley, I would have been a suicidal mess.  Instead, I was just depressed and angry all the time.  The holidays pulled me out of it a bit, as I got stocking and sewed their names into them... even filled easter baskets for them.  I counted the days til we got them this summer.

Jace's Development:  Jace knew the word "mama" and it meant 'more'.  He couldn't say anything but gibber and 'go-go' which meant car.  While he was with us, I taught him the signs for 'eat', 'drink', 'cookie', 'bananna', and the last-- "I love you".  He started vocalizing the words to go with the signs.  Jace was scared of the potty- signalling to me that he had not yet been introduced.  So I started the kids potty training.  Jace fought the progress... he would sit on the potty, then get up and pee in his pants.  But we were making progress.  Jace and I also worked with cards and pronunciation.  We used marshmellows to count with.
Kale's development:  Kale mirrored Jace's development almost exactly.  He was more destructive and Jace could sit and focus longer.  Kale's eyes still hadn't been fixed, and since they are with us for such a short period of time, we couldn't get it done.  Speech therapy was called for with both boys, but also couldn't be done because of the short period of time.  Kale has a flexible personality and didn't show any trama coming to us, or going back to mom.
Boys Conditions:  As mentioned above.

((Gotta go deal with lunch and a leaking poopy diaper....  Be back for this years update soon.))

[TanzeOdin]

That's terrible.. It sucks because there isn't much you can do about it to get the kids the care they need other than a court battle. Have you tried talking to their mom about improving her parenting skills and things?
I can sympathize a little with that story.. My little brother's grandma always spoils him rotten. She takes good care of him health wise, though, thank God for that. But she gets him to call her "Momma"
when no one is around, she seems to manipulate him into thinking that she's taking better care of him than our mom. Which isn't true. She seems to be using him as her "second chance", her one son has been addicted to several different drugs since he was about 16. My mom didn't know that he was addicted when she was with him, and she left him as soon as she found out. The thing about her trying for a "second chance" is that she's making the same mistakes. She spoils him, when he lies about stealing or something to someone(say a teacher, or someone like that) she defends him. Whenever his grades slip or he starts misbehaving in class, she says it's okay. Every time he comes back from her house he's a complete delinquent.  Once, he almost got us kicked out of an apartment because he was pulling up flowers, simply for the fun of it. He was grounded for a month, and she called my mom, enraged, and said that such a punishment would make him suicidal. That she knew, because she had a degree in child psychology. However I've seen her when she's mad, she'll yell and try to hit him..hard. We want to stop her from seeing him, but it's hard because he's so attached to her now. He sees her as presents, good food and fun. Often times he'll say that our mom doesn't love him because she won't or can't afford to buy him a toy.

[springacres]

I'm not an expert or anything, but this sounds like a case where the kids are being raised by someone who should not have been a parent in the first place, but who (perhaps to assuage her own guilt over not being able to be with them more) spoils them materially when she is with them.  I do know that some states give preference to the children's mother in a custody battle, but regardless if this is your situation or not, I would look into getting Child Protective Services involved.  In the meantime, keep documenting how it is you are trying to help these kids - copies of doctors' records, therapists' evaluations, anything at all like that that could show how they progress each summer and regress each fall.

[Luv007]

DFCS has been involved and since nothing can be PROVEN, without a doubt, they won't do anything except close the cases without even opening them.  It really doesn't help that all friends and relatives in NY lie for her and cover because they "feel bad" for their mother being a divorcee... I know it's rough, but it's not the end of the world.  And two, if you're too busy feeling bad for the mother, who is going to feel bad for these kids.

When child services was called, Morgan thought it was her own mother that called on her...  Which should tell you something right there.  Her MOTHER is worried about the children.... But no one else will listen to a word I say and continues to indulge them by treating them like babies, and expecting nothing of them.

To top it off, the child support right now is 60% of my husband's paycheck, the only money we make, and every time we try to get it modified, the magistre dismisses the case on some little technical detail.  You can literally hear him whispering over the phone how to get the most money out of Joe to Morgan.  Granted, he comes from a small town where everybody knows everybody, but it's still pretty terrible that the legal system still allows cases like this and doesn't do anything about it.  I guess I grew  up thinking the law took care of things like this.... but it just doesn't work like this.

[Goddesss]

You have the hardest job in the world.  My mom married my stepdad when I was 15 (I ran away from home so I was no longer there) .  He had 3 kids 12, 10, and 7.  I also have a sister who was 14 at the time.  She lived with my mom and step dad.  For the 5 years before that my step dad had been fighting for custody.  California will keep the kids with the mother at all costs.  She was a drug addict had the 12 year old selling drugs to support her.  She was married to a man had 2 other childern by him.  This man ended up molesting his own children.  When my step dad was married to her he used to come home from work to his 1 and 3 year old out playing in the street in diapers with steak knives put through the diapers like little swords.  The mother was passed out in the house.  He had to actually hire a nanny to stay home with them.

Anyways many years and 100's of thousands of dollars later she still had custody.  They would put her in a nutt house give him the kids and then give them back when she got out.  He finally got the kids and I am just pretty sure it was because nothing the courts did but I dont remember the reason.  It may be just that is what they chose as it was only the 2 younger ones.  Anyways they made my mothers life a living hell.  She loved them like her own and they hated her treated her awful and played their dad against her.  She had quite her job to stay home with them.  Of course they had rules and couldnt just do the stuff they were used to doing, and of course in their eyes it was her fault.  They used to say awful things to her.  that I wont repeat hear because of younger players.

It was very emotionally draining for her.  At 12 or 13 when they went to visit their mother they just never came back.  They are all adults now and none live near my parents but my mom still has issues with lack of respect from them.  It just funny though because my sister and I have a fabulous relationship with our step dad.  My sister is getting married in May she is 29 and she is having my step dad adopt her before she is married and both her and her husband are taking his name.  The kids even dont really like my sister and I.  I am the oldest and had kids first.  The only other of us 5 that has kids is my step sister.  Her son is 4 years younger then mine.  When he was almost due she told her dad arent you excited you will finally have a grandchild.  He said I am excited but I already have one.  She said no a real one.  You can look on his face and see yourself.  It was just hurtful.  Why pull my child into your crap.  The funny thing is when I would go to bingo whith my parents and we would show their friends pictures of my son they would say oh he looks just like grandpa.  My step dad would say what part the black or the mexican jokingly.  As he is a Russian jew. 

I got carried away.  My point was I feel for you.  You have a hard job ahead of you.  It is clear you love these kids and care for them as your own as you should.  One day they will most likely not return that love and it will hurt but remember you are doing the right thing and the best you can for them. 

As for child support most states say that the max of your pay put out to child support is 50%.  In the state I live in for 2 kids the amount is 25% for 2 kids.  Have you checked in your state for some legal aid of some sort.  I know when I lived in Colorado they had a legal aid service that provided free legal help for family custody type things.  I would just keep up with it.  Be careful though.  With my step dad because of his ex being a drug addict and all that he didnt like to send money.  So he payed the rent the bills and such.  She got on welfare and the state sued him.  After fighting the state in court it was decided that the moneys paid for the care of the kids didnt count because he didnt actually send it to her directly.  He is still paying the state back and his youngest is 21 or 22.

[Luv007]

Honestly, I'm afraid the oldest child already has feeling of resentment towards me, and I can't blame him.  He doesn't understand what is going on and his world is all kind of confusing right now.  But it is REALLY hard to love someone that hates and is so spiteful of you.  So I just keep trying.

As far as child support, that is EXACTLY how Joe ended up paying back child support.  After they separated, he paid her rent, paid for stuff for the kids, and sent her money.  She went to court and said he hadn't paid child support in over a year.  He had no way of proofing it if I remember correctly, and they jacked the child support up even higher.  Currently the problem is that he went from getting a military salary to a really crappy paycheck every other two weeks.  And they won't modify the support bc they keep saying we filled out the wrong forms and dismissing him.  And I can't talk to them, only he can..... Which is frustrating in and of itself.  So we are trying to get a lawyer to sit down and give us advice, but they require and ungodly retainer and say they have to be part of the case to help with paperwork.  Child support has been hell for us is the summary.

But Goddesss, I'm very sad to hear about your step sibling  I'm sure it is very difficult growing up knowing that they had such a hard time.  And that they gave your mother and father such a hard time.  But I'm glad that things have worked out now that everyone made it to adulthood.

[Goddesss]

I assumed the support was so high because of back pay and it is sad that once an order is given even if pay changes it is hard to get the order changed.  In my step dads case he had proof of everything he paid out for a house 15 hours away from his own but it didnt matter.  If you ever need someone to vent to I am here.  I really hope since they are so young they will love you and treat you kindly, but being so young the time till next summer seems a life time away.

[Luv007]

Thank you, Goddesss.  The support means so much.