I just need... I don't know what I need exactly...

[Kahlira]

Ok, not many of you know that a bit over a week ago, my mom passed away. She'd been battling through many diseases for years. Overweight, diabetes, led to congestive heart failure. And eventually she just died.

Anyways, for the past several months (About a year or so) I've been spending every Saturday with my mom. The two weeks before Christmas are what's known as "Peak Season" at UPS. Pretty much, you work 13 days straight without a day off. I got 90 hours for that week. My first day off (Christmas Day) I told mom, I might not make it up there to see her, though I promised her if I didn't make it Saturday, I'd make it up there Monday, since I was off. I slept until noon. Didn't get out of bed until 2. Went to pay on her storage, and went back home. She called me, had an aide play read her messages while I talk to him. I hate being downtown after dark, especially the area where the hospital is at. Let's put it this way. I'm white and would be shot because of the fact I'm white. We had our tag session, I told her I loved her and I'd be up there Saturday even if I had to set my alarm clock.

I got a call at 8:20-ish AM. "We found your mom without a pulse" I busted out crying. Turned course and headed straight to the hospital. Called my supervisor "I can't make it today, they found my momma without a pulse" She told me calm down (I was hysterical by this time) So I get close to the hospital. It's 8:50-ish. "We tried. We couldn't bring her back"

I texted my supervisor and best friend "They couldn't bring her back" I call my brother, not knowing who else to call.

Anywho, I dunno what I'm aiming for here. Trying maybe to allieviate some of the guilt I feel. It helps to talk. Though I'm not really much of a talker in the "real world" as it's known as. I've been told she loved me. And she wouldn't want me to feel guilty doing what she always told me I could do.

I broke a promise to her though. I feel so horrible. Probably should just. I don't know anymore.

But I do know this, she's up there, holding my baby boy, looking down. And hopefully she's happy. With her angelic wings spread wide, with my mammaw and pappaw and all the rest of the clan who has gone before her.

I love you mom <3

[Silvanon]

*hugs*  I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Kah.  I haven't experienced a loss like that so far, myself, so I can't say I know what you're going through.  I can say, it's very natural that you're feeling guilt - that's just how we humans are.  When bad things happen to people we love, we like to try and feel like we had more control over things than we really did, which can lead to feeling guilty over things that we wouldn't feel so guilty over if the bad thing hadn't happened.  You can't help what happened to your mom, and you can't help that you didn't have prophetic future-reading powers to know when it was going to happen.  You did your reasonable best to be there for her, and did in fact spend many Saturdays with her, which I am certain she appreciated.  She knows that you love her and wanted to be there for her.  And, some day when it's your turn, and you get to go join the big party in the sky, and you're sitting there with her reminiscing about her life, she's not going to remember the one week you didn't make it, she's going to remember how you came to visit all the time.

*more hugs*

[Neocridders]

<3 <3
Aww.

*major hugs*
I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Things happen, and you can't blame yourself.
<3 <3 <3 *more hugs*

[Ryuukokoro]

That's so sad, Kah. Sil is right, what you're feeling is completely normal, anyone would feel the exact same in your situation.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I've had a close friend lose her mom and I could see how it was tearing her apart, and I know it must be the same with you.

You know, you are a really good friend, Kah. You've always been on the boards and always reaching out to help people. I consider you a friend and I know everyone else here would say the same. I believe in karma and I know good things will come back around to you too. *hugs* I hope people in your life are offering you support as well.

It will get easier in time, I promise.

[Scullisto]

I am so sorry Kah. *hugs*

I really do know exactly what you are going through, Just know that "guilty" feeling is normal, but dont allow it to take you away from the fact that she loves you and she wants you to be happy.  Just know she is no longer sick or is in pain and she is at peace and will always be with you.

It will get easier, be easy on yourself...it will take time and your friends and family will be there for you, as will your friends here honey.

*hugs*

[Sunchaser]

*Snugs and gives lots of love* your in my thoughts.

[PonyMama]

*Hugs*

they are right guilt is part of the grieving process, but don't linger on it, she did love you very much and I am sure she would not have wanted to pass with you there.

Try remember the Saturday's you spent together and not linger only on the one you did not. 

Sorry for your loss
*Huggles*

[YourLoveOnly]

*hugs* I am sorry for your loss

[Whimsy]

 Hey sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through such feelings, but I'm right here with you I lost my infant son just. A litttle over a month ago and its still really hard to even deal with. The guilt will subside when you realize that your momma no longer feels that pain she's been dealing with for so long. She's at peace and you know shed like you to be to. I'm not sure what to believe in as far as what happens after life but I do know that even though my sons life was a great loss that he will never have to see the hardships of this aweful world. Your mommy no longer has to endure what I'm sure was painful both to her body and her mind. Nothing is your fault, your mother felt your love as she always will.

Any time you need to talk just get ahold of me, if you pm me I can give you the cellie and we can txt away I've got past my point of blaming myself because I know he won't be coming back to me and the guilt and pain I was causing myself was enough to make me consider being medicated until it could blow over me a bit.

Ps you didn't break your promise you still went and seen her and even though you don't know it she seen you to

[Kahlira]

Thank you for the kind words. It really does mean a lot to me. I do have people in the real world to talk to, starting with the hubby and working it's way down to the random people at UPS who slap my back and ask if I'm doing ok. I really wonder what they'd say if I said no.

I do need to talk things out, though I'm really not much of a talker. Yesterday I brought my notebook and filled up five pages with random ramblings, it helped. A lot. Tore the pages up afterwards. Don't want people to know exactly how rambling-ish I get. (Especially the night chick) She's.. odd.

I'm.. Coping I guess the best term for it is. I get by the day, put my pants on, and go to work, pretend everythings ok. Late at night though, I get snuggles from the hubby. Long talks with him help me more then anything.

*hugs* I don't know what I did to be blessed with so many friends, both here and in the scary place known as the world <3