Never fear, AnswerMan is here!

[AnswerMan]

Hi, I'm AnswerMan the legendary super hero.  For some bizzare reason, people send me a lot of questions, as if I know stuff or something.  Anyway, I decided to answer the questions here on the forum.  So I present to you:

Answer Man: Column 1

Dear AnswerMan, who would win in a fight, Daffy Duck or the Road Runner?

The Road Runner.  As of June of 2009, the Road Runner has killed Wile E. Coyote a total of 12,438 times.  The guy's a BEAST!


Dear AnswerMan, what is your favorite food?

My favorite food is Alpha-bits, because whenever I'm stuck on a question I stir them until they give me an answer.  In fact, that's how I answered this question.  Also: EOcb vcUFOS FJKFGwr ewewJ wrwre IWEO Qeete NFLA IwrtE UwetRO IFjlk wjeoi aejog iorw gt.


Dear AnswerMan, Whatever happened to Clippy?

As you pointed out, Clippy is no longer with us, but vanquishing him was not a task that was free of great suffering and sacrifice.  In 2000, in the fires of Mount Doom Part 2, Clippy forged the one paper clip that would rule them all.  One by one the servers of the earth fell to the dark forces of Clippy.  And there, on the slopes of Bill Gates' driveway, a last alliance of men and programmers fought for the freedom of not-middle-earth.  But then, when it seemed all hope had faded, Bill Gates "borrowed" Steve Job's sword...and Clippy, the enemy of the free people of earth, was no more.
But legend became myth, myth became legend, then legend became myth again, and some things that should not have been forgotten were forgotten.  Wow, I gotta hand it to you, I did not think anyone was going to read to the end of this one.  Good job!


Dear AnswerMan, where do you live?

I live in a janitors closet in the Library of Congress.  Because seriously, how else could I conduct the exhaustive research necessary to give such comprehensive and illuminating answers to your questions?


Dear AnswerMan, why is the sky blue?

Because it's made of blue gas.  What, you were expecting a longer answer, like in the form of a folk story?  Okay, you talked me into it:

Long ago in a time before time, the magical little ponies of the emerald sea came together for their annual meeting.  The head pixy pony said (in a dreadfully squeaky tone) "What are we going to do?  Our sky is so dark and sad, but we have nothing to make it brighter!" But then, the littlest pony, from the very, very back of the room, who no one ever thought would amount to anything...didn't do anything.  Then a competent pony stood up and said, "Hey guys, if you hook these nitrogen thingies to these oxygen do-dads, it makes the sky blue!  And so the happy pixie ponies, using nothing more than glue-sticks and glitter, put together all of the air in our blue, blue sky today.


Dear AnswerMan, how do I know if my crush likes me back?

Barf on her lawn, then tell her it was you.  If she ever talks to you again, then she must really like you.


Dear AnswerMan, does this dress make me look fat?

How should I know?  It's not like I have a live feed to a webcam that shows me your room.  Wait...do you have a webcam that shows you my room?!


Dear AnswerMan, what is your favorite Star Wars movie?

Episode 4.  Because Jar Jar Binks is noticeably absent, and it allows us to speculate that he could be dead.


Dear AnswerMan, who is your favorite X-men character?

Storm.  Definitely.  She could have any power she wanted as long as she could relate it to weather in some way.  Like a "flurry of giant boulders" or "a maelstrom of pointy sticks."  I knew the show was getting lame when Storm saved the whole team by making a hurricane of extra ammo and medical supplies.

I can tell you it's not Cyclops.  His power seems cool until you realize that everyone in the series has a laser gun.  Sure he can use his laser-eyes to instantly hit anything he looks at, but you could practically do the same thing by duct-taping a laser gun to your head.  And if you also held a laser gun in each hand, you'd be three times as powerful as Cyclops.  You'd be Triclopes!

It's also not Wolverine.  Wolverine's has super-healing powers which can heal any wound and cure any disease... on himself.  Seriously, what kind of super power is that?  Imagine picking up the newspaper and seeing that a Super Hero with Amazing Super-Healing Powers is coming to town, and then you find out he's only going to be healing himself. Way to go, Wolverine.

I'm not even sure that Beast has super powers.  He could just be that feral member of the Blue Man Group that escaped a few years ago and was never caught.


Dear AnswerMan, do you have an alter-ego?

Yes I do, but if you see a guy who looks just like me only he wears glasses, it's totally not me.  Also: Do not ask him if he's AnswerMan, because I might get confused and tell you I am.


Dear AnswerMan, do you have any high-tech gadgets for fighting crime?

Yes, I have an earpiece that lets me surf the web and answer questions while I'm on the job.  In fact, while answering your question, I am also engaged in mortal combat with three super villains at once.  Oh, wait, one of them punched me in the head.  Then another. Than anothern... Wut wuz yer queschun agin?


Dear AnswerMan, what video game do you play the most?

The game I play most is Turbo Tax.  I never win :-(.  But the setup is incredibly immersive; when I play it I can swear that real IRS agents are actually kicking me in the ribs.

[Al Terego]

Golly jee AnswerMan, those were the best answers ever!

Where can I send you my questions?

[AnswerMan]

Excellent question fair citizen:

You can send your questions to me through the Private Messaging system, or by sending them to my aptly-titled e-mail address: AnswerManIsFreakishlyAwesome@gmail.com

Rest assured, I will answer as many of your questions as is Super Humanly possible.