Getting back slowly

[Willow]

Hey guys, I know I owe an explanation for my absence, so I might as well make this post sooner rather than later :3

I hit a bit of a rock bottom just over a month ago,I was ill with some kind of cold and I felt very negative. At college I'd been struggling and I had that horrible feeling when you look at other peoples work and just think 'I'm the worst in the class'.
Then the tutor produced an amazing portfolio from a past student, it was amazingly detailed work, a high skill level, something I feel I couldn't acheive. He said he wouldn't accept that for degree level (my plan), I felt like I'd just been shot down. Like I'd never make it, there's no point.
I left college, not one of the "friends" I made even contacted me to see what was up.

So yeah, generally, when I thought about the future, I concluded that I didn't have one.
That I wasn't worth anything, and it's the closest I've felt to "giving up", without sounding too alarming, but it crossed my mind. I went to the doctors and they've given me tablets to try and cheer me up, or make me feel more positive, I'm not sure really, they should kick in soon.
I feel a bit better now, which is why I've been popping on a little more.

I know I owe things, I'm so sorry I'm going to try and get round to those in the new year.
Some of you may have seen, but Wildfilly has been nothing less than an angel and has uploaded and organized everything Gremlin related. I can't thank her enough, she's taken a weight off my shoulders.

But honestly lately it's been hard to find the motivation to do anything.
I get anxious even going out now, it's a low confidence thing I know, but it's just so stressful. I'm on a diet though and in less than a month I've lost 10lbs, which makes me feel like I can achieve something, you've no idea how relieving that feeling is.
(Although goddamn I miss cake.)

Uhhr, I'm not sure if this makes much sense, or if it's a lousey excuse for being away for so long and leaving things undone.
But I thought I had to say something :I

Some of you may have seen me active on Ponyisland as well, which I understand might make people frustrated, but honestly that's because PI is such a good way for me to make $$, my art sells well there, and with me not having a job and Christmas coming I need all the $$ I can get x3;
I also didn't owe anything there so it was easy to slip back into it.

I will most likely be selling a lot of my Secundi pets for USD, so if you're interested in any please let me know! I won't sell my Feli of course, and all quin before Otom Binin I will find very hard to part with (they're ordered so quin after Otom are fine to find new homes).

YLO I know you have the trade back to you rule, so if you see any you want back please PM me.

Also apologies for any PMs I haven't replied to yet.

I see PM has continued FCFC events in my absence, and I can't thank you enough PM for keeping events going even though I haven't been here. I will hopefully get round to sorting things out soon.
And apologies for all the cattery/kennel delays and any breedings sent in.

So that's me for now x3

[PonyMama]

No worries, I knew you were taking a break for whatever reason so figured get something set up for this month.  Although Jan from me may be quiet, that was a lot of premade pets from me, and I am burnt out....a little

You keep getting better and feeling better

and on a diet or not you can have some cake, just a small piece as a treat, 10 lbs gone is a good achievement, I know since in my stressful year I lost 50lbs, although 10 of that found it's way back due to winter and less activity

You are a great person, you can get through this low point.

[Willow]

Thank you so much PM <3
Sure if you need a break that's fine, you've done so much for the FCFC already, I can't express my gratitude enough!

I've allowed myself a "break" from my diet over Christmas, boxing day and New years day, so I'll fill up on my cake then haha. I'm sure I'll put on a few lbs then, but as long as it's a gradual decline in the long term that's fine.

Thank you, it means a lot to hear that.

I find it so heartwarming that more people, that I've never met, from this forum contacted me to see if I was ok than the people I knew at college did.

[Aralie]

That is sad to hear hun but glad you are starting to feel better *hugs*

[Winged]

That's great to hear you're feeling well enough to think about coming back. It's compleely understandable and a good reason to take time off. Your health always comes first.
Have you thought about talking to someone as well as getting pills? You might already, i don't know. But i can say from personal experience that therapy really does help in the long run.
Also, i completely understand the not having a future, i don't know if you've got any other interests you could spend more time doing? It really helped me to talk to my uncle about going to college to get a new career as a farmer.
I can also empathise with other things you've said, but don't want to bother you with talking about me here.

If you ever need to talk to someone, i'm available.

[Willow]

Thank you both, once again it's nice to see people are understanding and caring.

I've thought about talking to someone outside of my family, but the last time I tried therapy I found it uncomfortable and she didn't quite seem to understand what I was getting at, I also had to go in with my mum though so I guess that didn't help with the whole opening up part..
When I've seen my doctor I've spoken to him about how I feel, so that's something.

[Winged]

Yeah i can understand how someone else being there could be difficult. I would have thought that you should have takled to her on your own, for most of the time at least. But different places probably do things differently. It's probably worth trying again, a different person might help more?

[Willow]

I'll look into what's available for me that I can afford.
The last woman was arranged through the school, so it could be different/better if I find one on my own. If it helps in the long run then it'd be worth it I suppose.
Thank you for the suggestion <3

[Winged]

Afford? You live in Scotland, right? Go to your GP and explain it and he should refer you to somewhere. Then it will be free. No problem, i hope my suggestion can help.

[Willow]

Yes I do, but I didn't realise that it was available, I thought you'd have to pay for it regardless, I will definitely bring it up with my doctor then, thank you!

[Winged]

No problem. It should be the same anywhere here.

[Wildfilly94]

Aww Willow. <3

You know I am here for you to talk to or help or anything.
I know you feel you shouldnt accept it after evrrything I did already bit Really, if you want help figuring out FCFC stuff or any other stuff you owe, I will do it. I have a month off college and no friends ro see, so Im available to help.

[Silvanon]

I didn't get as far as PMing you, but you have been on my mind.  Thanks for popping in and letting us hear from you!  I've been trying to support Conrad through much of the same emotions you're describing, it all sounded very familiar.  You're not as alone as you may feel, there are a lot of people out there going through similar things.  Hang in there - things might not work out the way you hoped or planned, but they will work out, and there's a brighter end that's worth holding out for.

Great job on the diet!  That's an achievement!

[TheLeet]

I'm glad that you're back <3
I know the feeling of having no future and struggling with anxiety and low self esteem too. I'm glad that you can talk to your GP and are dealing with it.

[Pinkshadow]

So glad to be hearing from you <3
- I feel with you, i too know the feeling of having no future and other various feelings that goes that way and it's not a fun place to be. Hope things turn around for you soon sweetie <3

[YourLoveOnly]

*hugs* Willooow! I'm so glad to see a sign of life! I've missed you so <3 Wild has told me she talked to you from time to time, but I've been worried nonetheless! *hugs again* I'm here for you dear, whenever you need to talk or just want a fun random distraction from life.

I can also totally help you with adoptable stuff, I've offered before to take over the Kennel/Cattery registrations while Soli is swamped, that totally still stands, I know where she's left off so it wouldn't be hard to get that done and caught up. And if you want I can probably run an event for FCFC every once in a while too. I don't think I can be a reliable fulltime colorist to the scale PM has been doing, but I can color a few pets and every now and again and help with running events. Or maybe tackle some of the breedings in the FCFC inbox since that's only a few pets at a time.

Take care sweetheart, pop in from time to time to let us know you're alive and well, even if you don't have time to do anything on here. We miss you and will be here whenever you do want to return, for however long or brief that return may be.

And I agree with what has been said, do try to find someone professional to help you through everything. Medication can be a great help sometimes but it doesn't actually solve the underlying issue and it's usually not medication you can (or want to) be on for life, so dealing with the issues itself is an important step. Meds can be a way to support you in doing so. I've dealt with my fair share of RL issues (the main one being my illness that forced me to deal with the fact I'll never be able to work of complete an education, so I know the feeling) and have battled through some hard stuff, have had a bunch of therapy, both helpful and utterly useless, so I am all here for whatever I can help you with, provide a listening ear or take some work off your hands or whatever. Lots and lots of love and strength for you <3

[hiyoko]

I know how you feel Willow, during my first year of college I was under a lot of stress and didn't make any 'real' friends from my classes. But I focused on getting through my classes and didn't worry about other people. It's hard to give advice on stuff like this, mostly because I ended up going to clubs after my 3rd semester from stress....but just take things as they come and continue doing things that make you happy. I stopped doing that stuff,  because I met my fiance and he makes me happy. If you ever need someone to talk to Willow, I'm here. Just shoot me a pm.

[Willow]

I don't want to sound pathetic but honestly reading all these makes me cry, I just can't believe how kind, understanding and wonderful you all are, to know that I can speak to a few of you just means the world, and thank you to those of you that have been giving me kind words <3

YLO and Filly I will probably take you up on those offers for help soon, I've been thinking of hiring more part time or full time helpers anyway x3;
Keeping up with Kennels/Catteries will be the main thing I think, once I get into colouring I can usually churn them out at a reasonable pace, but guest/odd one off colourists are more than welcome to take some of the pressure off PM (who's done a wonderful job <3 )

But I'll put all that stuff in a FCFC post soon.

Okay, back to clearing up the house for Christmas visitors (I love Christmas so I feel happier getting ready for that! )

[YourLoveOnly]

*hugs* Sometimes feeling like you're not alone in it, even if only for a second, can make all the difference in the world. And by all means do! It's winter which means my health barely allows me to do stuff outside the house, so I have a ton of computer time on my hands

[springacres]

Wow, I figured something was up but I wish I'd thought to get in touch with you to see what it was.  HUGE hugs from me, hope those tablets work for you (medication for mental health issues is always so tricky) but I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and able to come back both here and on PI.

Lots of love and prayers, and if you ever need to talk, just shoot me a PM <3

[Goddesss]

I know exactly how you feel.  I really hope you feel better soon.  A lot of what you said I am like umm yea thats me, thats me lol.  I think thats why I lurk a lot and dont post.  Anyways our futures arent set and you never know whats over then next hill.  You just have to make it over to find out though.  From what i have seen you are a great person so just keep your head up =)

[Willow]

I hope everyone had a great new year and christmas!

Things have settled down for me a little (all the festivities)
My allergies are bad today though, and I'm supposed to be going out into the city tonight >>;
*coughsplurt*

Need to sort things out now >3<

[YourLoveOnly]

Oh hey I had just messaged you <3 Good to see you around again I hope your holiday season was fun, I saw some facebook posts that sounded fun!

Mine were fun too, but waaay too busy for my health so I am now ill most day.. XD I hope to recover from that soon ^^''

[Willow]

Okaay guys, latest event in my life - Laptop died a death, is in tech-hospitall, but will cost £80 to fix (not a bad deal but still a blow) I'll gte it back on saturday o__o;

*flails at life*

[Wildfilly94]

D: Not good!! Glad your getting it back soonish though <3
*hugs* I hope to see you around more soon, and give your laptop my well-wishes!

[Silvanon]

Ack!  Not the laptop!