Hey...

[Neocridders]

I'm feeling incredibly nervous about posting here. I've been thinking about coming here and making this post for a while now. A few days ago I got a message from Sunny asking if I was okay. And I guess that's what's pushing me to finally come here and post this.

Guys, I'm so sorry I've been gone. It's not just here. I've basically vanished from most of the online communities I've been a part of.

I have just zero drive for anything anymore. I'm suffering the worst depression I've ever experienced. All of my energy is being pushed into my school work, which is suffering as well.

I've been emotionally wrecked for a bit. Not sure what's going on. I'll just break down crying randomly every few days.

I've begun to hate myself more and more. And I know that's bad. So bad. But that's how it's been. I'm not happy with myself. How I look. What I say. My abilities. I hate that I feel like a failure all the time.

I don't know what else to say to describe what's been going on. I guess I just got so overwhelmed I just stopped doing anything enjoyable for me. Because I don't have the time or energy. My school stuff is so draining and I don't know how to handle anything else. I can't do adoptables or commissions anymore, because every time I try I get sucked into real life and disappear.

I know I post here and there on some sites, and a few of you might have noticed. I didn't mean to ignore secundi or PI. I just... I feel so guilty for leaving and I don't know what to do. I am upset with myself because I just can't deal with life anymore.

Annnyway. I've been super depressed and my mind has been really dark the past few weeks. If you guys could just send prayers and nice thoughts my way, that'd be great. I'm not sure if I'm coming back here yet. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive, but it's been rough.

I know I've owed people things. I know I'm terrible for keeping people waiting FOREVER. God I'm so terrible. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry to anyone who has worried about me.

I'm not sure if I'll be emotionally/physically capable of continuing with anything related to secundi until I'm on summer vacation from school. I clearly don't know how to juggle anything internet related with school.

Sorry again. I hope to be back soonish. I love you all. Please don't hate me too much.
If you have any problems with me, any hate mail is welcome ... but please hold it off until summer when I can deal with it.

If you are owed anything, please also wait until later to send it my way. I'll probably make a post. Anyway, thanks guys. Sorry sorry sorry.

-Neocridders/Savannah

[Sunchaser]

*gives giant hug*

[Country]

I'm here if you need me to do anything, I will try my best to help in any way that I can!

*hugs*

[SPO]

We still love you Neo. However, having been where you are, I am going to recommend talking to a therapist (either a private one or a counselor at school) and try to get some meds or something. if you are on something, talk to your Psychopharm cause they aren't working if you feel this bad.

[Silvanon]

I'm so sorry to hear things have been so rough for you Neo!  *big hugs*

I'll second what SPO said.  Help is available, and it can be surprisingly helpful.  I was stubborn and spent a good full 2 years just totally not myself before I finally gave in and went to the doctor.  I'm so glad I finally did, and I wish I'd gone sooner.  Different solutions work best for different people.  Counseling didn't help me, but meds sure did. 

[Wildfilly94]

*giant hugs* I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I also agree, seeing a counselor or therapist would be very helpful. There were 2 counselors in my life I just enjoyed so much and could tell them anything. I felt at home. It was nice.

[Neocridders]

Thanks everyone for being welcoming <3
Last year I was seeing a counselor and I haven't for about a year. I have been considering going back, but I'm so overwhelmed with school work I don't think I have time.

Of course... I am sure that's worthy to make time for.

I also have meds for depression. I was taken off my sleeping meds, though, which I was taking because I was unable to sleep with the depression meds. I have tried getting back to taking it, but I'm getting so little sleep lately that I didn't want to screw anything else up.

I have a lot of meds I really need to start taking. I've started taking my ADHD meds again and that has helped me get more stuff done. Well... kinda. It's hard. But yeah...

>.> I'm not taking good care of myself obviously.

[sera]

So much love for you, Neo.  Definitely suggest going back in to a therapist and also verifying about your meds.  If things aren't working right now, try something else.

Not sure if it will help, but they've done studies that show students often suffer from deprssion.  Small things i've been told to try are getting in bright sunlight (or just bright lights), preferably in the early afternoon (when it's usually the brightest outside... if i didn't live in WA where it rains all the time, heh), and to get exercise, everyday if i can manage it.  There's lots of scientific studies that i can dig up if you want, but these are at least two things you can try to squeeze in that should help with some of the depression.

<33333333  Hope this helps, and feel free to poke me, if you would like. <3

[FCFC]

*hugs a Neo tightly* I know things have been rough dear, but don't worry about us at all, we'll be here for you when you want us and we can wait for unfinished things too, no worries. Real life is much more important, you and your health are much more important, pixels can wait. I think a lot of us on here struggle or have struggled with things you are describing and I want to sent you lots of love and strength. My PM box is always open if you need to vent. <3 YLO

[SPO]

Off of what sera said, regular Vitamin D supplements from the store can help too especially if you are north-sh where there is not much sign this time of year.

[Kahlira]

*hugs tight to Neo*

[springacres]

So glad to see you again, Neo!  I am so sorry to hear about all the stuff that's going on for you emotionally, though, and I definitely second that you should go see someone.  I know what it's like dealing with emotional issues...  not fun at all.

*hugs*

[Pinkshadow]

Lots of hugs <33

[Ryuukokoro]

*hugs Neo* Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. 

[springacres]

Oh, and one more thing - I would definitely get yourself back on all your meds if possible.  If your sleep still suffers because of your depression meds, talk to your doctor and see if there are other meds they think might treat your depression without interfering with your sleep cycle.  Or ask about over-the-counter sleep aids that might help (I know those can be expensive, but it's still something to consider trying.)   Above all, don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.  If you don't tell your doctor what's wrong, or what you don't like about how a particular medicine affects you, they won't be able to suggest alternatives.

Best of luck.  I've been living with mild depression for years (began treatment for it when I was 14) and I know what a headache it can be trying to find the treatment recipe that will work best for you.  Counseling helped a little, but the meds were a godsend for me.

-sends lots of love and hugs and good vibes your way-