11 Days Left | I need to share

[Tribe]

This is something i need to do at this point, its incredibly hard for most people to understand why i am how i am towards my husband. They cant realize what kind of love i have for him and what kind of bond was built in the very beggining of our relationship or they fail to realize how it was built.

Kinda the backstory to this situation but i think its needed
When i met my husband i hated him with everything i could, because well at that point i was so over boys i didnt need a college boy who did drugs and drank to much messing with my life or feelings. To tell you the truth id never felt any feelings for any boy that made me want to go kookoo for cocoa puffs okay i just wasnt that girl. I did the dating one boy thing didnt work, so more so i moved onto talking to a bunch of guys and just enjoying them thinking they had even the slightest chance at anything past my cunning smile. I was a mess, i mean really i was. I was a bit*h for sure and i wanted everyone to know that.

So basically my husband (at that time obviously he was nothing more the the dead bug on my windshield XD) followed me like lost dog. I could beat him off with a stick and hed come back. No boy had ever been so whatever over me that it sorta threw off my game. I opened up to him a few times and i found that finally when i tried hard to show him what was really underneath he took advantage and basically told me that unless there was sexual relations envolved he didnt want a relationship. This made want to vomit, i had finally really shown him my side that could care for him and he said this..i mean like straight out just said it. I nodded him off and went on my way however a couple months after that i heard from him again, by this point i really couldve been talking to air i didnt care to or want to talk to him so it was kind of ya whatever you say things from my side. He told me he really thought alot about me, he cared for me even though he barley knew me and that he wanted to try us out. He told me that he didnt want to push me into anything that he'd be perfectly happy just having me around (but at this point he was still into drugs and so on).

So there i was caught in this old feelings thing for him and this god i hate you more then anything feeling. So there for i didnt know what to do and like my good ol self i shut down on him. I put a shell on that not even an armourd tank could get threw i was envincible to all. He text me one night and this is when it all really started for us, he told me that he really thought he felt love for me. He didnt know the feeling otherwise and it was hard for him to watch me talk to other guys. He said hed give anything just to be able to talk to me. I warned him basically that i was going to do no more then break his heart but whatever he wanted was fine because at that point i was so over him being an ass that i wanted to get back at him totally myself. We went on just talking about nothing really and it continued until i was tired of my games and one night he called me. My cousin was with me that night and together we are a force not to be reckoned with period the end. I gaver her my phone when he called and she was basically like this is nicoles phone what are talking about. He tried to call three or four more times she told the same lie and finally the last time he called we let it hit voicemail. The voicemail completely tore at my heart. His voice was shaky i could tell he was a mess and i can still remember to this day exactly what it said "nicole i dont know you, not well at all but i know i love you thats all that i can see anymore ive done everything i can to forget you and i cant just please..please" that was it i was dead to the world. However i would not..completely refused to let my cousin see this. Her more then anyone i tried to impress and the fact that i could be cold hearted to someone who adored my every ounce of being was to much for her to pass up without compliment. We went on with our night and he called on last time, she answered again and told him it was infact my phone but i hated him and so on though truthfully at that point i was reconsidering my every second of life ahead of me and factoring him into everything. She was cold and mean and thats all he needed to explode. The next call was from a girl claiming to be his fiance she called me a few names and WHOA the old nicole was back. I screamed so loud and said such aweful things my little brother locked himself in his room as he thought i was fighting with someone in the house and he feared the worse when i became the tempered hot mess the life with my step father had caused. I hung up and i was done, oh i was so mad i think i steamed for days. Even my step dad (whom at that point was his normal assy self) kept his distance. No teacher nor snotty little girl at school would mess with me at that point, for a week or so i was so cold and hardened over nothing was said to me and i said nothing to anyone. I was mad, truley hurt and mad! I finally got over it and pretty much did my best to forget dustin ever crossed my path though the curiosity of this "fiance" killed me so one day i checked his myspace (hey at this time myspace was still cool). It had alot about how he adored her and so on, so i frowned my way of the internet and left it be for a few months. I then again got that i gotta know feeling and checked his page again. This time he had been in iraq for maybe a month or so. I got on and to my surprise the "fiance" was no longer. There was this massive blog about how badly hed screwed something so awesome up, and he wasnt talking about katrina at all. In the blog it said that he was mad and he had basically told this girl he loved her and wanted to marry her (girl being katrina) just to get back at someone whom he really cared for. He said that he was so stupid and so unthoughtful and that hed never in a million years be happy again. Oh i was was so smitten i knew he was talking about me and for a second i envied myself. What had i done to this boy, what part of my cold hard bit*h like attitude made him want me so badly i was just the neatest person to walk this earth. So i added him back, i honestly had no thought of revenge but just the need to know.

I remember that first night he got on the internet, his first little pop up im was "well im glad you dont hate my guts" mine was "well i did but im over it, im over everything every single thing thats ever happened between us or anyone im taking the higher road its time to be an adult" at that moment something in me cracked i was someone different i had no reason to be so mean and hardened and i let him know this over the next month or so we actually talked. About important things about his fears of not coming back home, about him not really caring to come back home to nothing about everything. I finally was able to feel another human being trying so hard in life like i had and i connected instantly. I had told him though there was the slightest bit of feelings that yes i had actually been talking to someone else, i told him that really i there was something there for me but the other guy was almost a saint (he was a church goer my family adored him and thats hard to do trust me) well dustin didnt care much he still involved me in every thought he ever had. He needed me to be there, and i know if i walked away at this point he may truley not come home and how could i have the blood on my hands of another beings soul how could i do that to someone i actually cared for (trust me just before that point i cared for no one, not even myself). So i continued talking to this other guy and went with life outside of dustin. I went to prom and that night i asked that guy to pick me up, he said he couldnt because of some reason or another and thats when i realized had that been dustin he'd been there in a split second. Over a few days i decided that i would infact drop every other thing in my life and only focus on building a relationship with my now hubby. I remember on the 22nd of april 2008 i talked to him, he was distraught about something but what i was going to tell him would cool his jets. I started with a simple small hello he said hello back and began to explain his day over in the war rattled area of the middle east. I didnt pay one bit of attention to this at all and i just popped in with a "i really want to try us one more time, this will be the last time but i want to be with you" he was silent just absoluty dead nothingness. He then said "i do to, i cant take this anymore if it dosnt work this time i can say it never will be i have to try nicole, i need to try to make this work for us" *oh ugh hang on guys im tearing*

From then on i was somewhat sad at the decision i made because i waffled on was this what a i really wanted or what was it...but then there came the day that we started actually talking about us after he got back. He said more then anything he wanted me to be married to him, he wanted to start a family he wanted it to be us and he wanted nothing else more then this. From this i could tell that he really did want me that he wanted to make this work for us and he wanted a family with me. And for the first time i wanted a family of my own..not one like my family but a family that shows love deep within. I started to become hooked on dustin, i couldnt live without talking to him. I still remember the day he told me he loved me. We had said wed reserve that for the actual face to face time we'd have when he came home on leave but i wanted so badly to say it i hurt inside. I was at my aunt tines riding my horse, i was trying to get a clear head and this was the best way to do it. He asked me to go inside and sit down so he could actualy hear me over the wind so i did. My aunt was gone and it was just me for the rest of the day. I sat on the couch and he called me. We spoke a little about his day and mine and so on and then he just said it, clear and crisp and true he said it exactly "nicole i know its to early, i know its not what we planned but i have to say it i love you i really really do" he paused.."i love you" and i was just a ball of mess then i told him i loved him to and i headed back to my other aunts where i was living at the time i begged for the days to elapse so i could see him truly.

I didnt see him the very first day he came home but the next he was due to pick me up, i was at my mothers for some reason and i really was so nervous i begged of her to tell him that i couldnt come for some reason but she refused and god was i glad when i realized in her refusal what she gave me. I trotted myself downstairs to where he waited outside i hugged him and truthfully now more then ever did i want to turn back, i didnt know him that well he didnt know me but for some reason we were on the road to forever together. We got in his truck and we headed towards his friends, he put his hand around my thigh and thats when i started to feel the dizzy butterflys and i didnt know what they meant until we arrived at his friends house, he kissed me and thats all i needed that was it i still remember it and thats the only kiss i remember really from anyone in any sort of detail. We went inside and even though his friends band (a screamo band) was so loud i couldnt hear myself think i could hear his heart beat as he held me close. Over the next few days i begged for him to be there all the time though at night he had to drop me off at my moms (i was only 17 at the time and it'd never crossed my mind to disobey my mother because in all truth she did and still does scare the living bejesus out of me). So finally i went back to stay with my aunt (where i was living aunt val not aunt tine) and i got ballsy per say, he picked me up and that night he begged for me to stay he wanted to spend our last week & 1/2  together, actually together and even though i was still in fear of my mothers wrath i knew my poor aunt val was stupid enough to believe the lie i was about to tell. I told her i was staying with my cousin (the crazy mean cold hard one) and she believed me and that night laid in my husbands arms for the first time i was so in love i couldnt handle myself. I became sickly in the next day or so and had to go back home though. I scared him so badly that he showed up at my grandmas doorsteps and demanded that i go with him because he couldnt deal with me being sick and outta his sight (though it was only like strep i was in horrid condition) That day he took me to pick out a ring, i made him do most of the choosing as i was misreable but he said that he needed to have it incase of dire emergency proposing was needed XD So we went on and i stayed with him a couple more nights finally when i felt better we were getting ready to go to a concert and he popped the question he acutally got down on his knees and asked i was not over whelmed or anything of the sort as i knew it was coming but i was so happy, so very happy. I said yes and from there one we go. He went back to iraq, i became a horrid nervous scared mess that id lose the one i loved most and this here feeling lands us in this thread. Kudos for those whom have this far i must really get to bed now but ill post on day 11 tomorrow!