Some updates from Neo-

[Neocridders]

Hi guys. Last time I posted a big update was a couple months ago.

I was doing pretty bad.
It's kinda only progressed worse and worse.
This semester has just been absolute hell. I hate life. I am self-diagnosing that I have anxiety in addition to the mild depression I already know I have. This semester has totally just... killed me.
My health is probably about to plummet. Haven't taken meds for lupus or depression in a while (I know i know! I'm bad! Bad Savannah. I promise once school is out I'm going to try to start those back up again!) I haven't been eating or sleeping or drinking water regularly. I am so anxious that I just struggle sleeping (not that I ever get a chance to sleep since I'm always working on homework, but the moments I try to sleep I just can't really fall asleep, and if I do it's not restful at all).

So Savannah is basically a zombie.

In addition the having those struggles, my depression is SO BAD. It's gotten progressively worse and worse. I will just randomly get so so bad and I can't do anything.
It's like I'm being strangled while a dementor is sucking out all of my happiness. It feels like I just cannot continue. Nothing feels like it matters. I actually HATE myself. I hate everything about myself. That's about as much emotion as I can muster at all. My loathing of myself.

I'm doing a terrible job talking about this. But basically it gets worse and worse and on Thursday I just hit a point where I could not continue. I felt so trapped and I -needed- help. I snap chatted a friend of mine and told him how I wasn't okay, and he texted me and then called me and... yeah. I don't know, I don't think I'm actually suicidal, but it's as if I'm so close. It's almost like I wish I were, just because I don't want to do this anymore.

I have -noone- I can talk about this with outside the internet. I cannot talk to my parents about this. I cannot talk to anyone I know here. I don't really have many friends here in college. I mean I used to, but no one cares enough about me to actually stick with me through something like this. All of my friendships have fizzled out. It might be because I just suck as a person, it might be because I haven't been around much since I sit and work on homework nonstop. Whatever it was, I cannot connect to anyone really. I guess I've never had super close friends. Maybe my friend-making brain thing is broken. IDK.

So anyway, it's just been... awful. I don't know what to do anymore.
I have school ending in about two weeks. Finals are in a week. I can survive... maybe. Idk. I will I suppose. But it's just so hard.

Everything is just sos stressful. I've got way more going on than just what I've mentioned, but that's just too long to go into.
Anyway, yeah.
I'm posting this just to hopefully get some prayers, and to explain what's going on with me. Idk. I'm kinda a wreck. I kinda don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just kinda deaded. I'm typing this and so confused and just want to sleep but I can't.

Anyway...
Life kinda makes no sense. I don't know what's going on. I can hardly do daily functions like eat or drink water.

I don't want to go home, though. Because... I just don't want to be there. I get so much more depressed when I am home. And I don't think I could handle this getting any worse. I really just don't want to thinkabout going home.

But I am happy that the semester is almost over. The semester of hell will be done. Soon.

Okay, sorry for the rambling and disorganized nature of this post I just can't figure out anything.

Sorry for still not beeing 100% back. Sorry for oweing things. Sorry for being crazy.
I know I'm posting things in my art thread for my gryphon character. Yeah. I know. I like having join.me's because I'm more focused when I have that on. It's rare that anyone comes onto them, but that's okay. I also realize it's not the typical artwork that people like to watch. It's me moving polygons and stuff around for hours and hours. But yeah, oh well. Helps me out having it on so if people don't watch that is okay.

Alright I've successfully managed to ramble long enough. Hope you guys are doing okay.

[skysnolimit]

We miss you, Neo, and want to stick with you through this.  Can you describe a happy memory from your past that has absolutely no negative connotations to you? Where and what was it? Maybe sleeping in on a Sunday afternoon with no obligations for the whole day, or spending a day in a wonderful place with people you felt a connection with, or something entirely different?

[Neocridders]

It's hard for me to have happy memories right now. I think it's dangerous for me to think back to happy thoughts because I'll probably put something negative in there. Like when I tihnk about happy times when I was with my ex. Or when I was with my dog. Or something.
A lot of my more recent happy times that don't really have negative are my experiences watching doctor who and sherlock and stuff like that. It makes me happy. But my biggest problem is that I just don't have time at all to watch a tv show or take a break or anything. I cannot take a break from working on homework to sleep in really. I mean, I may skip church tomorrow because I need to work more on my project tonight and I might stay up really late. But I probably won't sleep in/much/ if any. I'm not good at relaxing at all. I am so wound up tight. I'm so tense. I really don't think my brain will allow me to relax anymore because I'm just so anxious about all the things due so soon.

[Silvanon]

*much hugs*  Ok, so, sounds like you've had some definite reasons for why you're feeling how you're feeling.  First of all, school can be really stressful, and it sounds like you've been experiencing that this semester.  Hang in there, it's almost done! 

Going off the depression meds probably actually caused some of the increase in your depression - I'm not talking about just "oh, it's not being treated anymore" - an actual withdrawal effect of many depression meds is increased depression, above what you'd have felt anyway.  So, get back on the meds so you stop having to deal with withdrawal effects - if you want to go off the meds, talk to your doctor about a program to go off them slowly and carefully so you can avoid the withdrawal problems.  You really are going to feel better once you get back on your meds, so take care of that as soon as you can.

Finally, you mentioned feeling disconnected from people and like you don't have anyone to turn to.  We're here for you on Secundi, of course.  If you're not in counseling, try and see if you can get in.  There's a good chance your insurance will pay for it, and it'll help give you someone to talk to.  Finally, there's a lot of resources out by way of free help lines and free chat places, there for when you just really need someone to talk to.  Here's one search for some ideas:  https://www.google.com/search?q=depression+help+chat&oq=depression+help+chat

And, well, I don't know if this helps everyone as much as it does me, but it really does help me when I'm having a bad time, to just realize it's really not ME, it's just that my hormones and whatnot are all out of whack, so I'm having trouble thinking positively at that moment.  It's the same for you.  It's really not that you're an awful person, or anything else like that (as your friend I testify and promise you, you're a good and worthwhile person), it's just those stupid hormones going crazy and making you feel that way right now.  Hang in there, you've got some solutions to pursue, and things are going to get better. 

*more hugs*

[skysnolimit]

It could be not that your friends didn't bother sticking around, but rather that they are just as completely swamped as you are and want to reach out but don't even have time to say Hey, how are you.  The why of it doesn't really matter, but I thought I'd throw that out there anyway.

I understand that you would feel guilty, or too stressed out, to take a break or sleep. That is a pretty gloomy place to be in for any amount of time more than, like, one day... And it sounds like you've had quite a few months of it! The truth is that it is quite okay to take a break because you own your schoolwork (you do, after all, pay tuition)--it does not own you. You could, at any moment, choose to cut yourself some slack and if any professor tried to guilt trip you for it, you could sit there knowing that he/she is absolutely crossing the line because you deserve to be in control of your own time. Anybody who thinks you "should" be doing this or that, when you don't want to hear it, should have no right to overwrite your own ideas with those insidious thoughts (pardon my biased language). You could feel very indignant right now. In fact, you could choose to get a lower grade if you wished, and stand proud in your decision in the face of anybody who ever dared to question it, because you know that your situation is exactly as you explained it to us just now.

Next question--can you call to mind anybody in your life who would say to you, at this moment, that you should take a break instead of telling you "just to push through?" If so, who is that person or persons, and what is your medium of communication with them?  If not, then can you think of anybody who might say that to you who isn't (yet) your friend? Who are they, what makes you think they might say that, and do you kind of admire or respect that about them or not at all?

Please also pardon my 20 questions if you're not in he mood, Neo. If you choose to ignore these messages because you don't think they're good for you then I will 100% support that decision!

[SkySong]

I feel for you there. My work load hasn't been nearly as insane as I imagine yours being, but this year has given me a slight taste of how yeah, work sucks and shouldn't be shirked cause it grows. Fast. That had me stressing out a bit and I can definitely draw some parallels. Do what you need to do, get your stuff done, and relax once you're in the clear. Perhaps treat yourself to a drink if that's your thing and it doesn't whack you out too much. (By the way, I think Cumberbatch looked great! Better than anything I could have done.)

[Neocridders]

Silv- Yeah, I definitely think I need the meds again. I know that my brain should have them.
It's a hormones thing, and also probably connected to dopamine in the brain not occuring as often as it should. So if I get those meds to work, which I assume are going to help with dopamine levels or some area of my brain that directly effects moods and emotions, I will as a result get a bit better (assuming the drugs do as they are supposed to and I'm not immune / whatever. I don't believe that to be the case)

And thanks for that link, I'll be checking that out.


Skysnolimit - The thing is, they are always around . My roommate is constantly telling everyone how bored she is because she is an education major so she doens't really have much homework to do. She's bored and just has to study stuff when I'm over here working on projects all night because I'm sloooow at everything. But I know that they go to baseball games and out to eat and have special nights where they all go to do stuff. But they've stoppped inviting me. I have to  invite myself sometimes. This morning I woke up and saw my roommate went to geta shower. So I got up, sat in the common room, and waited for everyone to start leaving and said "Where are we going?" implying that I was coming too. And they were going to get food. And I went with them. They didn't talk to me the whole time we were out, but whatever. I tried. I really did. So.. that's something. But it's just so discouraging when I can see that I'm not really there anymore. To them, I'm just the ghost roommate that now follows around sometimes when she catches them leaving to do something. Usually I'm too depressed to follow, and I'm all sad no one wants to invite me or bother telling me they are going out or anything. It kills me.

About taking a break... yes I should take breaks. I do sometimes. I just... I usually just try to sit down and finish things. So I'll just sit down at noon to work on stuff and not move until 10 at night, forgetting about food or water and stuff. Sometimesit's more like 3 am when I finally decide I can't go on anymore. It's just how I work.
I also am just unable to allow myself to accept anything that isn't a good grade. I work so hard and push myself too far because in my head anything below a B is unacceptable, and even B's are bad. I only want As, and if the class is exceptionally hard, I'll accept a B. I know that I may have a B for Art History (if I get a C i'll die omg. She hasn't handed back our papers yet... ughhhh i'm scared.) and for my sculpting class (Benedict's face was worth 2 points. The projects are worth like 9 points sometimes, and we had 3 projects this semester. He's a grad student and ... I don't want to talk about him actually. Forget what I said. bascially we only get a few points so any point lost is a hard hit).

I have people from church that would love to help me... but I just cannot bring myself to bother anyone. I actually reached out for help a few days ago with my friend who called me, because I was desperate. But normally..I just would rather suffer that let others worry. I hate bringing anyone down. I know everyone is busy and no one really needs to care about me right now.

Skysong-I will definitely try to figure out how to relax once it's all done... Or hopefully I will. I might have more stressful things coming. They don't seem to ever end really.
And thanks. I spent wayyyy too many hours on Ben. Still want to give him some skin texture but I don't have time to mess with him anymore so that will wait for another day.

[skysnolimit]

(If anybody agrees with my perspective here, please do say so!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I will say that thank goodness you take pride in your work because that seems to keep you going.  How have things been since Thursday?

To me, it seems clear that you value your life so much that you want every part of it to be as beautiful as you think life should be.  I really do think that's a good and beautiful thing.  On the other hand, there are many people who don't aspire to have every piece of their life aspire to such high standards, and to those people you might seem unfathomable.  [For instance, if you work for somebody one day, if they expect you to budge on your standards a little bit in order to just get something done, you might need to figure out a way to work around that (or just find a job that suits you more).]  But I think it would be great for you to recognize and reflect on how, at least in this aspect, you seem to be living exactly the life you want--a life of great ambition and sacrifice to make the final product as perfect as can be.  In fact, you've managed to find a situation where you can sacrifice everything else for this aspiration.  Has the sacrifice enabled you to accomplish what you want to accomplish? (please honestly reflect on this question for a moment)

If it hasn't quite enabled you to do that, then there could be one of two problems: 1) your method is unsuitable 2) your goal is unattainable.

Many people would say that, as per your method, you need to learn better time management and learn to prioritize.  I'm guessing that, deep down, you really want to learn neither of those two things and would prefer that people just accept the fact that you won't stop until a thing is absolutely perfect.  If, in fact, you innately refuse to change your method; then that aspiration for perfection in absolutely everything will probably remain.  If you are still unhappy, despite having given yourself complete freedom to use that method that you so desire without restraint, then perhaps redefining your particular goal will help a lot.

As per your goal: I assume that you believe in an ideal where you are capable of producing perfection at every corner you choose to walk around.  That's probably because, in the past, you believed you did: either people were extremely encouraging of you, or you simply had enough time to finish everything you started--even if by sometimes sacrificing sleep.  You went to college expecting to put these skills to even further use and--besides that--expecting to hone them and make them better, since these were the skills that brought you success in the past.  But where does honing those skills actually lead you?  To: sleeping less and doing more things to perfection.  Are these actually the skills that you want to use your college career to perfect?  Sleeping less, and perfecting more?  Or, are there other skills that you could decide you want to perfect while you are here (for instance, particular art-like things?  Or social things?  Or perspective things or speech things?  Or anything?)  Could you try to reframe your goal away from "refine my ability to withstand extreme conditions in order to make my dreams come true," and toward "refine the following particular skills related to my craft: ____, ____, ____, etc., ___?"

[skysnolimit]

Also, this popular blog post might speak to you!  (the reply in the different font is the really good part)

[Rosedawn]

eo love there is one absolute truth that you are forgetting about,

Life never gets less stressful.

There are good stresses and bad stresses but the fact remains that those days of less stress are gone and now is the time to figure out how you cope with that stress. Right now you are teaching yourself that sacrificing your health, time, social life, sleep, eating, that that is how you are too cope with stress. In the future it is how you will continue to try and core with stress until you make yourself suicidal or very sick (especially if you aren't taking your lupus medication!)

The quality of your work can't be at its best because you are burning yourself out, which as a perfectionist will only cause you to stress and beat yourself up even more. You need to recharge.

And feel good in knowing that right note your roommate is living it up with so little homework but she has chosen a career that is so incredibly time consuming and stressful. She'll understand what you are going through soon enough.

[Neocridders]

Skysnolimit - Thanks for that link. Very good post. I'll have to read it a few times. I wish they had given some ways to change how you study/work. They said that it was because of motivation, not intelligence. I've always been motivated. And now I'm not really motivated as much as... forcing myself to do things because there is no other option? I'm not sure how to change that to motivation, because like the article said, I'm burning out. And I don't think I can continue, or put any more effort into this than I already am. I'm pushing my limits far beyond I can handle. So I don't know how to change or what to adjust.

You talked about how my method might be unsuitable. Yeah, it must be. I have no idea how to change my methods right now, because I don't have time for risking an error. If I try out a different method and it just blows up in my face, at this point in time it's not going to work out for me. I say that and I very well know that once this semester is over and I'm in summer, I may have time to change my methods but I will not because I won't have any idea what to do to change them.

I just don't know what to do. I feel trapped. I'm trapped in my stupid way of doing things that is unhealthy and I am manure at time management and stuff. I don't know how to change, and I'm kinda too overwhelmed to even think about it.
I'm going to be an RA next semester, and I'll need to learn how to time manage because I'll be involved in even more things and have more studio classes and I'm going to die. (But only 15 credits next semester sooo... might be better?)

And yeah, you're right. I don't want that to be how I go about my life, learning how to do extreme conditions to get to where I want. But I don't know how to go about it any other way. I've had to teach how to do things myself in regard to getting things done, and this is how I always did it. It worked for me in high school, and I would get rewarded for how I stayed up working and had quality material. Now I turn in manure projects because I have a million at once to work on and I can't get them all done so I stay up panicking all night as I frantically try to get things done and they just dont get done and I go home and hate myself and hate myself and hate myself.

I really just hate so much about myself right now. I'm so frustrated with myself, I think I'm a hopeless piece of crap and I am -not- saying this for attention. This is honestly something I'm struggling with and I just don't know what to do. I don't care about myself enough to try to make myself eat food. I don't care about myself to try to take my meds. If something happens to me, I honestly... I just wouldn't care. Because then at least it wouldn't be this. Becuase this is horrible.

I sound so whiny and complaining. I'm sure I sound like I'm 10. Sorry. I feel compelled to respond and answer your questions and I like the questions but I'm also getting really anxious but maybe that's not the reason why? I don't know. I'm just struggling right now to even think about anything.

Rosedawn - That's a terrifying thought. I honestly don't think that I can manage to live life if it doesn't get less stressful. If this is the amount of stress I'll be under the rest of my life... I don't want to do this. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm well past the breaking point here. I'm broken. I can't keep this up anymore. It'll kill me.
The quality of my work will never be its best. I'm not quick enough to do quality work in the amount of time I'm given to do it for college. I'm not sure how to get faster. I need to develop speed and I've no idea how. So if you have any ideas, pleaasseee let me know. I seriously need to get faster at things.

[sera]

Hey, lovey. <3

There's been several studies done that prove that college students regularly struggle with depression.  You're not alone; you're not the only who feels like a failure and hates life, self, and everything involved with both of those.

Start with small steps, but decide now to make changes.  You don't have to love things now in order to get them done.  Start by making sure you drink some water right after you get up, grab a quick bite to eat.  Have easy to eat things kept in your areas and on your person (in a purse, bag, etc) to minimize the hassle of having to do so.  Carry around a bottle and just refill it at fountains and just grab a sip here and there.  Eventually those small forced reminders will become something more of habits.

You haven't lost your friends because you are a terrible person.  You probably haven't lost them at all.  They probably can see and sense how stressed you are and are trying to not burden you.  Or they're just as crazily busy.

There are usually options for therapy on campus; depressed and especially suicidal means that you need to seek help, even if you don't think you deserve it.  A professional will be better suited for that than even your friends.

i've been in a really bad place for the last year; it's not something i particularly want to just post across the board, but if you'd like to talk about any of my experiences and things that i've done to help (or things i've tried that seriously did not help), just send me a PM or post here that you would.  <3

You are a wonderfully creative and capable person, Neo, even if you don't see any of the worth of yourself.  WE certainly can, and though the internet is often filled with 'sweet lies', Secundi has always been both forthright AND supportive. 

[skysnolimit]

@Neo, I know what you mean about being already maxed out.  I went from taking five classes per semester and getting A's and B's, for my first three semesters, to taking three classes and getting a C in one of them in my fourth semester.  I had friends who would come and check on me, but not nearly regularly enough to make up for my being a ghost (which offended me whenever somebody said it, because I was always in my room right there!  I wouldn't have been hard to find!).  There were even a couple of weeks where my brain seemed to stop responding to things--not in the "hazy fog I can't relate to anybody" way, but in the "if somebody asks me a question it doesn't even register but my face gets really red because who knows" kind of way.  I eventually linked it to how I was spending all evening, night, and morning in the computer lab substituting popcorn and gatorade for healther foods (they were great for keeping me awake).  Coincidentally, the class I got a C in was my experiment with taking an architecture studio.  My attention to minute details and love of complexities disguised to be simple were not award-winning traits in that class.  I have never taken another design class since.

After that semester finished, whenever somebody asked me, "How was (insert school name here)?" I would just walk away, find a hidden corner, and start crying--then apologize for abruptly ending the conversation later.

My mom asked me if I was happy, and I mustered a "no," and she looked hurt and asked what she had done wrong.

I took a one-year leave of absence after that to pursue only the projects that I wanted to do.  I took classes at another school over the summer and got credit for them at my original school.  The gap year really helped me remember the hobbies that I cared about, and by reinforcing my desire to spend time on them, I habitually sought them out and was healthier when I went back to finish school.  Finishing school was still impossibly difficult, but having spent time away gave me something to look forward to after graduation.  For me, that was key to getting done and getting out.

Tip: don't sign up for a monotonous class schedule.  Try to take one reading/writing class, one design/project class, one seminar, and one technical class at a time, for example.  The variety makes it much more difficult to burn out!

I also realized that my goals of becoming "more efficient and capable" until I was some kind of deity-like machine were absolutely empty goals.  They helped nobody except me and, scratch that, they actually prevented me from spending time on worthwhile goals such as making other people feeling loved and doing charitable projects.

Tip: volunteer for one, maybe two if they're back-to-back, hours per week.  I volunteered through a school program to tutor a disadvantaged elementary school student for one session every week.  It took me off campus and into somebody's life.  The enormous benefits were three-fold: it was a project I could feel successful at regardless of my schoolwork, reminding me that I wasn't a complete failure; it re-balanced my life because I was making a contribution to the world early instead of just adding another semester of education to my already education-saturated life; it changed the scenery once per week and contributed the perspective of how little every project I had to work on mattered to anybody else off-campus.

The truth about my experience is that I never figured out how to re-work my methods (which, I believe, were similar to yours).  In fact, I still use them.  However--and I differ in opinion from Rosedawn here--my life did get a lot easier after college.  Most people from my college agree, no matter where they went; and they are all very happy now (this was not always the case during college).  In my mind, college was akin to a pressure cooker.  Graduating was like having a tiny vent in the lid being opened, and then being jettisoned out of it into freedom.  I was still haunted for a couple of years by the memories of college, but they were gradually replaced by memories and realizations of fun, freedom, and spare time (and often: good and simple sleep!).  I would say that it's more like high school again, where the old methods--when employed sparingly and only for meritable reasons--once again suffice.

Tip: I often had student support services tell my professors to let me take projects into the summer, give me a temporary incomplete, and edit my grade in later.  It drove my parents nuts and wasn't fun, but having three months to make something perfect instead of one week does actually help get it done sanely instead of berserkedly (<.< so not a word).

As for how to get through finishing college itself, I personally recommend not attempting to change your method at all--and certainly not during these next two weeks.  I highly recommend deciding set, very-well-defined skills that you want to learn per semester, and having those be your #1 goals.  At that point, the measure of when you deem your projects "finished" will be much more attainable, and every small project becomes simply a learning exercise instead of a piece of art.  Furthermore, you will then feel like you are accomplishing something worthwhile for yourself instead of only producing finished products for other people to admire.  Finally, you will have more to talk about during pin-ups or whatever for your professors and classmates ("In this project, my theme was learning ____, leading me to make X and Y decisions") and professors, if they are astute, will recognize that you learned something important in any given project and give you a good grade because you're learning (which is, actually, what they want you to do in their class).

Tip: Assign a personal learning goal alongside every project, and have that replace your previous goal of perfecting a project to specifications and everyone else's likings.  It's more beneficial and changes your methodology naturally (because I get it--changing it unnaturally is like changing from a person to a horse).  This is my most major tip, although it might sound like the most dismissable.  I believe in it, though.  Maybe you can try it this summer and see if you like it before doing it under more pressure.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. - Albert Einstein"

Final Tip: Keep visiting Secundi!  I know it's a time sink--it's a big one for me--but the benefits of having a continuous friendly community online, and constant positive feedback, are so nice :3  You could even put your adoptables on hiatus and participate as just a regular member if you wanted to; we would understand.

(Also, because of my gap year and my desire to graduate as soon as possible, I only spent three years actually at my college.  This was helpful to my sanity too.  If you can manage to get credit for classes you enjoy at some other place, over the summer--even just one or two--it lightens the next year's load sooo much!)

<3 Keep your chin up--there's hope!

[Silvanon]

Actually I disagree that life never gets less stressful.  It is true that every time of life has its stresses that can come up, but it's not always at a high intensity.  It goes in waves.  College is definitely one of the stressful periods for many people.  Particular classes and just college in general can be very stressful.  Hang in there Neo!  Seriously, college does eventually end, and I for one can witness to the big sigh of relief that happens at the end of it. 

You do need to do everything you can to cope with the now, though, which is I think what Rosedawn was trying to say.  Let go of the perfectionism, take your meds, reach out to friends or councilors, look in the mirror and say to yourself "I may not feel like it right now, but I still AM a worthwhile person."

I for one really believe in you that you can pull through and do this.  But keep in mind, people fail every day, and that's ok for them, and if it happens to you, that's ok for you too.  You are still a good, kind, awesome, worthwhile person even if this doesn't turn out how you wanted, and there are lots and lots of options out there still even if this doesn't work out.  If this is what you want, then put in your best for it, but don't ruin yourself over it; you as a person are worth more than any particular accomplishment.  I can tell that you've been putting forth your best effort, and no matter what else happens, that is an honorable and commendable thing you've done.  Way to go!

[Winged]

Hi Neo, so sorry to hear that you're going through difficult times. I'd agree with sera that it's very common for people at uni or college to struggle in this way, it is a very difficult time of your life after all.
I think it's important to remember that college isn't the be all and end all of life. Yes it's useful and yes it's very good to get qualifications but you yourself are more important than your qualifications. If there's a way for you to be able to take a break, even for a short time then you should definately look into that.
I'd agree with what Silv's said, college will end and it will definately get less stressful.

Personally i've found that for depression talking about it really helps. To a doctor, friends, even family members. And it might surprise you who would be willing to talk about it. I completely understand not being able to talk to your parents about it, but friends really can help. And i would definately advise getting professional help, restarting your meds and talking to a counsellor if you can. I can speak from experience and say it really does help.
I agree with you on the not being able to make friends thing, i personally find it very difficult to make friends. I've been at college two years now and constantly feel left out by the people i think are my friends, i just can't seem to make any proper friendships here. I've been very lucky to somehow have made a couple of very good friends at school and there's been times i couldn't live without them.

Is there someone at your college who you can talk to about time management, and extra help? If you explained to them how difficult you're finding it, they might have some advice to help you out.

Some really good advice given here, and i can't really put into text all my thoughts on this but if you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm here for you.

[Neocridders]

Thank you for the posts and advice and the thoughts.
My brain is just as scrambled as ever, been working on SO many school things due.

Something that happened yesterday... umm... idk. In class yesterday, I just felt worse than I'd ever experienced. I'm not sure what all happened. Probably a combination of previous things piled on, plus I just felt as if my friends didn't care. I have pulled so many all nighters this semester, and no one really cared and it felt like they were wanting me to not complain. And then my friend has to pull an all nighter on her project, and she makes a huge deal about it. I don't blame her for making a huge deal, as it is. I've experienced it, I realize how much we all need to vent about it and stuff. But she wrote off everything I said in a way that sounded like 'Well, at least you didn't have to stay here all night..'. It shouldn't have triggered me, but it did. It sent me down into a worse feeling. She and my other friend also don't really... talk to me much. They talk to each other and then sort of include me on occasion. But oh well. Maybe I should try harder. I don't know. Lately I just don't know how to do that.

Annnnyyway, back to yesterday... umm, well I was in class and it just set in so bad. I felt so dead. It was worse that I'd ever experienced. I wanted to go home and just cry. And at the end of class I got back a paper I had pulled an all nighter to finish and I know it was manure but I thought maybe... maybe it could have been okay. Idk. I am stupid. I got a C. I'm in honors and I can't really afford to get Cs. And that paper wasw worth 1/3 of my grade. The C just stung me so hard. I walked out of the building without saying a word and was about to go find a place to just sit down and cry.

I was walking to a food place so I could go sit in the quiet closed off room and just cry, and a guy I know called out to me and we walked there together. I did a manure job of trying not to cry. But yeah. We talked. He talked mostly about him and stuff going on with him, but it actually was nice to just sit and listen. He's a really nice guy who is really talented and is older than me and has plans for life and it's just interesting listening to him.
He started talking to me about the bible, and he and I met through a churchy thing, so it wasn't out of place or anything. But yeah... IDK. That chat probably saved me.
Immediately after I texted the church staff member of the church group that I help lead and just kinda word vomitted a text to him and he said we should meet up.

This morning we met, and idk... it was amazing. It was so good to just be able to speak out loud everything. I also realizd in a timeline of events, things started going wrong when I stopped taking meds and when some other stuff happened... so immediately after finals are over I'm going to start those again. Yes. And also I've got plans to start getting back to putting my faith as the most important part of my life (not trying to put so much religion in here since I know it's a touchy thing for lots of people.)
So yes... things have been better today. I hope they stay better.
He said some stuff that really helped. He's given me ideas on how to start changing things slowly to try to be happier again. It's going to be okay.

Yes, okay. So my cluttered thoughts hopefully got out onto this page.
qYes.
Okay, gonna go art now.

Thanks guys <3 I love you all. You are all so amazing.

I've also realized that my roommates are basically just... not talking to me anymore. I've stopped initiating conversations because I wanted to see if anyone would say anything to me on their own. It's been almost 3 days. Yeah. Okay. This semester will be over soon, and I'm sad to say (kinda) that I'm just not going to worry about them anymore. I care, yes, but honestly... they have brought me down so much during this difficult time. I heard them say something really catty on Monday about either me or a different roommate ("She's just jealous that we have boyfriends and she doesnt!") and then later I said something to two of them as we walked to class (me to my class,them to theirs) and I said something I know they've agreed with in the past, but they both disagreed with it... which is strange.. so I dropped it an just walked away quickly because it was time for us to part ways anyway.
So yes.... i'm just so done with these negative people.

I realize they might be busy with finals or I am misunderstanding them, but it's just... I just can't anymore. I can't handle whatever isgoing on. I'm rather excited to be free of it.

[Elenaria]

*cuddleloves!*  sera here again. <3 

i'm sorry about your friend. :/  i don't know about those friends exactly, but i know quite a few times it's not that they don't care or that you're not important [even thought it doesn't feel that way right now. : ( ], but [especially in school] it's very easy to get super wrapped up in your own problems and own issues and you just can't... always connect/relate/talk??? as well to others, even knowing that they're having a super rough time, too.

That said, i'm so glad you were able to connect with someone that helped you get a good focus!!! <3  There have been multiple studies that show that faith is very important to mental and emotional health.  ^^ 

Focusing on more positive things are good.  Being able to just decide you're done with negative things is PHENOMENAL.  Good job, Neo, and, please continue with that! 

We love you!!!

[Neocridders]

Life is getting better.
First of all, classes are over. I'm at home.
Secondly... this little girl is mine now <3




This is Pippa. She is the new family dog. Looks a lot like Triscuit, but mom really loves corgis and the two available girls were this color. So we picked her. I adore her. She likes to bite a lot...

I've been calling her a 'little Dalek' because she is such a pain. I've had to baby sit basically every day since we got her since my parents and siblings are at work/school.
She's a pain, I have no idea how to potty train and I take her outside for an hour and she won't pee and I take her inside and she pees the second I look away. Same with poop. Oooh she's fun -.- love her to pieces though.

..
Bad news is the gryphon character project I've worked on nonstop for a month is probably going to get an F because technology wasn't working and my teacher honestly didn't teach how we were supposed to do certain things, he assumed we already knew (and some of us knew, since they were a higher level).
Anyway, that's been heavy on my mind. He kept giving me extensions but I didn't have the technology to fix it... so I've been dealing with that for like four days after my break started. I pulled like two all nighters in a row and didn't get much sleep on nights I did sleep...

Anyway, I'm done. I quit. I quit that stupd project. Hopefuilly it doesn't destroy my grade too badly. I'll get a C for the class overall... my first ever C. :/ Oh well, that class was HELL. And I'm very glad it's over. It would have been a good class had I been more advanced and my teacher not been the grade student I had... he was NOT good at teaching and he was not fair, etc. Whatever...

[Country]

Aww she is adorable!  Congrats on finishing classes in one piece lol. Take some time to relax abd enjoy your new puppy. Keep some treats with you when you go out and if she goes give her a treat. Also taking her out more frequently might help.

[Gryphions]

Just got my grades. ALL A'S EXCEPT THIS CLASS FROM HELL!I got a B! Some how I miraculously got a B!
And by B, I mean it was 80.2% So close. It was a miracle.
Okkaaayy I feel so much better about my life right now. I'm trying to get a job and I'll see if I can get money for a car maybe by the end of the summer.
The grade thing is a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

[SkySong]

Major congrats, Neo!! Such a nice feeling to finally get done with something like that.

[Silvanon]

Awesome job, congrats!

[Country]

Congrats!

[Saturnalia]

Such a relief for you, I'm sure! Yay!